Hospitality, Gaffes, & Hobo Living

The long awaited post is here...

I've had four encounters with hosting and being hosted since getting to China.  There was a language exchange date, a dinner with the landlord, Couchsurfing, and yet another dinner with the landlord.  

My first encounter with hospitality was unexpected.  One of my first friends in China, Alice, came to my apartment for language exchange at 1:30 in the afternoon.  Each of us followed our own customs, as could be expected...

When I invite other 20-something friends over, my main concern is to clean and avoid looking, as my partner calls it, like I live like a heathen.  So that day, I scrubbed and mopped 'til the whole place shined and smelled of lemons.  When she called, I greeted her in a tank top and shorts, comfy and casual as most friends are at home when they host one another, if we are even so formal as to call it "hosting".  Alice, who is always strikingly beautiful, was dressed in her Sunday best, looking like she walked out of a fashion magazine.  Her hair, which the school normally requires to be pulled up, was straightened, let down, and beautiful.  She had a flowy, tuled skirt on and shoes fit for a prom.  When we got to the door, she asked if I would like her to put on my flip flops, motioning to our bookcase.  I said, "Ah it's okay, you can leave shoes off if you want.  Wait!  Is it normal for me to offer shoes when guests arrive?"  Alice, saving face for me, replied, "No problem, barefoot is also normal."  I sighed with relief until a large gift bag emerged from underneath her arm.  Mid-Autumn Festival was here, and she brought me moon cakes!  One by one, we took them out of the ornate box and set them in the fridge.  Then, she brought out mango and lychee mousse.  She said, "I know you can't eat wheat so I brought you these."  She knew my secret!  My caring hubby told her of my gluten intolerance when I was trying to stay low maintenance, given how hard it is for most people to understand veganism and a life-threatening shellfish allergy.  What a wonderful soul she was...  And me, well, I felt badly for not preparing a feast and researching host traditions.  I later found out that invitations to one's home are rarely given, and it is extremely insulting not to attend, unless you have a very good reason.  I also found out about gift-giving, bringing tea to guests, serving appetizers, and gambei...  All I could do then, in the moment, was improvisation.  I offered to make Spanish tortilla, a surprisingly easy recipe for my stovetop-only kitchen.  She wanted to learn, and as I gathered ingredients, I realized I had no potatoes...  Fail.  So we sat down, and I thought it would be entertaining to bring out the book Niubi, a collection of Chinese slang that I purchased stateside.  She thumbed through it, a bright flush of red coming into her cheeks as she read.  "Don't say this.  Never say that.  Oh, that is so bad.  Where you get this book?" 

I explained, sheepishly, that we thought it was funny to learn the swears and how in many countries, those are the first words people teach us, because it's humorous to hear a foreigner say them.  She replied, nodding her head, "Oh, I see, so you can use this to know what not to say if a Chinese tells you these."  I was so glad I hadn't given her a copy of Cosmo, which I thought beforehand might be interesting to her...

The exchange was fun.  We laughed and she listened intently as I mostly helped with her English, feeling terribly for my ignorance in being a good host here.  We then covered pinyin for ten, painful minutes.  It seems to be my destiny to have a terrible ear for Chinese, after taking such pride in my ability to pick up Spanish.  It has always been one thing I've been really good at, thinking, perhaps it was a gift for language.  The pronunciation, the vocabulary, the grammar... It's all come easily to me once I had the fundamentals.  It is musical to hear and soothing to speak.  Chinese is actually quite beautiful here, as well, despite its reputation as an angry language.  We must have heard other regional dialects in the States.  Despite the beauty, I find it nearly impossible to distinguish the words.  I can speak approximately ten words (I said speak, not spell, so bear with the phonics): 

Mayo- no

Buyo- I don't want

Jiga/niga- this/that

Xiexie- thank you

Aye-oh- OMG / oh crap / you're ripping me off!  I just stubbed my toe!

Due (dway)- yes

Mei guo (ren)- America (foreigner)

Engwen- England / English language 

Wo ting bu dong- I don't understand (my most often used phrase, often in conjunction with pointing to myself and saying, "Engwen, Engwen, I'm sorry, do you speak English?"  To which, they reply, "Little bit," to which, I reply, "Oh, awesome, do you sell shampoo?"  (rubbing my own head).  They reply, invariably, by bringing lice remover or hairbrushes...  Ting bu dong.  I haul out the handy dandy Apple app to translate for us, resigned to the fact that I will never be a good Chinese speaker or Charades player.

Update: These words are terribly misspelled.  But it gives you an idea of what it's like to learn a language completely verbally.

After a good hour and a half, Alice leaves and I thank her profusely for the mooncakes, which must have cost a fortune.  She is generous with compliments and so, so nice.  To the extent that I wonder, will I be okay being my casual self around Chinese girlfriends?  

Enter Onkei.  

Not wanting to be a bad guest, I arrived to my first Couchsurfing experience in the conservative dress above.  We were going to temples, I thought...  

It started at 4:00, Friday night, on the eve of a huge Chinese holiday in which everyone gets a week off.  Nervously, I dialed Onkei's number in the bus stop, hoping she would pick up and let the operator know what tickets we needed to purchase.  She answered, down-to-business and matter-of-factly in her replies.  Ah, a serious one, I thought.  Little did I know...

The bus whirled around pastoral landscapes of terraced rice fields and small factory towns.  The sky began to show in all its blue glory, no smog photoshopping needed (confession: I may have manipulated some GZ pics on Facebook)...  As dusk set in and we began to enjoy the stars for the first time in weeks, we finally pulled in to Onkei's village.  Whatever seriousness I thought I sensed before, dissipated as we hitchhiked our way to the "hot springs" of Yunfu.  

As I complete this blog, I have a confession: I struggled as to whether I should post raw reflections on what has become a very close friendship.  I will just finish up here by telling you that my temple dress had to serve as my dancing dress, I wore shorts and was viewed as modest at the temple the next day, and I had some of the most amazing cultural exchanges of my life during that trip.  Onkei came out to Guangzhou to surf with us, which was a fun day of exploring the city, along with more dancing.  I later took a good friend to surf her couch once more, and we attended a Chinese wedding.  It was amazing.  I'm now constantly scheming to send Onkei job leads so we can be neighbors who meditate, do yoga, and dance to old hip hop songs together, 'til we grow old or I leave China in a year or so.

©  Amanda Whitmore.  Shareable with author's written permission.

Loves, Loathes, and Misses

A list of things in China I have come to love, loathe, and miss.  I'll periodically add to this entry as I go on with my journeys here.

Loves

1.)  Open-minded friends from all over the globe.

[cue images of colorful cut-out people holding hands around a circle that looks like earth]

Seriously, though, travelers are unique people.  I love meeting them.

2.)  Meeting new people with whom you just "click", when there is so much to talk about, so much you don't know about them, and delighting in your little talks.  It's different when the language barrier is so high.  English is the only prerequisite for a potential friendship to begin and they begin in places you wouldn't ordinarily see them, in the U.S.  Everyone enjoys a conversation and the camaraderie of sharing a language that feels comfortable to speak.

3.)  Tofu!  There are at least 30 varieties and you'd never believe how amazing it is.  'Murica vegans, you're doing it wrong.

4.)  Adorable children having their first experiences with a mei guo ren (foreigner from the U.S.).  It happens almost daily and is a beautiful thing to watch them delight in meeting someone they do not understand, but come to realize is safe and friendly.  Their high pitched, Chinese banter and giggles during these encounters is so innocent and precious to witness.  I don't mind being a spectacle here.

5.) Fresh produce.  I can walk downstairs and arrive right at an alleyway "wet market" for a day's worth of fresh veggies.  It is called a wet market because the floors are soaked all the time from the fish they keep in sloshy tanks in the back.  Entering for the first time, I almost ran right back out, choking and nauseated by the combined smell of those fish and the recently slaughtered animals that had been sitting out in the sun all day.  Thanks to sensory adaptation and learning to walk in on the non-animal side, I can go there every day for a huge bag of produce for $5-10 USD.  

6.)  Dragon Fruit!!!  And starfruit, passionfruit, mangosteen, papaya, mangos...  Oh how I love the fruit here!  Sweet, just ripe enough, and just tart enough to make your mouth water as you read this if you've ever eaten the delicious fruit in Asia.

7.)  Chinese barbecue!!!  

Last week, I dressed to the nines, finally resigned to the fact I would have to attend some social functions alone.  Especially if my partner continues to try local foods like fish stomach, bless his heart...  So, terrified and excited, all dressed up, I walked around Liede, the most European looking street in China I have seen.  There were plazas and terrace tables and bottles of wine galore.  I was to attend a TED talk and do some networking.  I was lost.  I despaired after twenty minutes, and dialed Mike, the organizer, an Indian expat whom I'd met through Couchsurfing Fridays.  He told me it had been cancelled, but I could meet him and his friends at the hospital where he was being treated for a kidney infection.  They were going straight to a barbecue from there.  This situation epitomizes the phrase Only In China...  I met them there, rode the train to its terminal in the countryside, and found myself at a Chinese barbecue.  After ordering a disappointing fruit punch Seagrams (I swear, only in China...) and arranging a safe way for me to grill without triggering a seafood allergy reaction, I sat down and relaxed.  Along came Jay, an Alabaman with a Tennessee drawl and Boston politics.  I enjoyed myself as I sat there.  I watched guys like Jay flirt with reserved girls from China, made sarcastic jokes with new friends that half-understood sarcasm, and attempted intellectual discussions.  Doing these things while sweating through my synthetic dress in the 100-degree heat was what we call real, and nice, but not real nice.  You'll have to excuse my kitschy idioms, they adore learning them here... :)  Then my new southern friend emerged with Mango Absolute and foam bowls.  If you've never attempted a double gambei (cheers) with a bowl, dumped it on your synthetic, sweat-soaked dress, and received a refill to gambei a second time, well, let me tell you, you haven't lived.  Suddenly, we had something to laugh at and be entertained by: me.  

I won't bore you with the details.  But the night ended with listening to a small man with a huge personality recounting his internet dating adventures, losing never have I ever (who plays with only 5 chances?!), and being gawked at on the subway while cracking jokes with a gregarious German girl and two lightweighted Chinese friends.  You can see the progression between the this is okay, I think I'm having a good time smile, and the pure, belly laugh, glee that evolved later into the night...  Now I feel a bit more daring about venturing into unknown territory.  

7.)  No key to my apartment.  A lot of buildings have electronic locks with either codes or card access.  Being a reflective person, always pondering other things... I'm not always mindful of my body, possessions, and where my keys are located.  As I left Michigan, I felt my sense of importance diminish as I returned one key after another back to work, landlords, vehicle buyers, and others.  However, now that I possess no keys, I no longer experience the weekly panic of losing my keys before work, a movie, or a family dinner...  Or a double panic like my sister and I had at midnight in Italy, when we both forgot our keys to the hostel...  I never heard the end of it when I began to plead, "Someone, anyone, please help us.  We are Americans staying here and we have no keys! And we need the water closet!" 

Loathes

There is no growth in your comfort zone.  To get out of mine, I went to China.  It never seems pleasant at the time, but every discomfort, annoyance, and perceived wrong contains a lesson.  Sometimes the lesson occurs long after the situation has happened.  Here are "points of growth" I've experienced here...  a.k.a. my list of loathes.

1.)  Close-minded acquaintances who believe theirs is the only correct culture, also coming from all over the globe.  I want to ask those who hate so virulently, why are you even here?  I have my share of vent sessions, hence this list, but honestly, if you can only ever converse by complaining about China, perhaps it's best if you go home.  Plus, xenophobia is embarrassing.  -Sincerely, all the westerners who are viewed as a whole when you do that...

2.)  Terrifying trips to events in which I know no one, not knowing if it will be a great time or one in which I secretly pray for an angel to come give me an excuse to leave.  Most would say I'm extremely outgoing.  This is true to the extent that I have a wing woman or partner along.  It's an odd hang-up.  The terror usually occurs beforehand.  However, if I go, as I did last week, despite my fears, I tend to have a ridiculous amount of fun and wonder why I was so worried.  All I have to do is meet one or two interesting people who also prefer intellect over fluff or wealth comparison... Or someone who makes good jokes and brought a bottle of Mango Absolute.  ;)

3.)  The way business is done.  It is sufficient to say that we have much more order, professionalism, and functional laws for operations in the states.  It's similar to the business refrain in Honduras, una mordida en la mano.  I realize professionalism is subjective, and I am viewing it as one living in the global south, having formed my conceptions in the global north.  But that's part of this experience.  I also realize there are systemic problems, corruption, and other things that would lead one to conclude that U.S. laws are not sufficient either.  I wholeheartedly agree.  But even the smallest aspects of a business that are governed by laws and general expectations, ones we take for granted at home, are so different here.  I'll elaborate later.  This is probably the single most common source of culture shock among my contemporaries here, unless this is their first job out of college.  Hopefully, maybe, my feelings on this will change as I live here longer.

4.)  Cutting in line.  Been waiting for that train for seven minutes?  Doesn't matter. Trying to exit the train before all get on?  No one cares, whiney mei guo ren.  It's survival of the hardest shovers.

5.) I have to buy expensive rice from Thailand in China, a country full of rice.  Why?  Cadmium.  Google the two and you will understand.  Love the cheap iPhone and tablet?  The heavy metals inside have to come from mines somewhere.  That somewhere happens to be in Hunan, the same area that is less profitable, but essential, for rice production in the entire country.  

Note that I judge myself more harshly than most reading this would endeavor to do...  I write you today, from an iPhone.  I know the hypocrisy.  I wanted this phone.  It is convenient.  It has a great camera.  I use it in wifi hotspots and it is my lifeline for home and my job.  I can stream I Like to Move It Move It from Madagascar and have my kids go from crying to bopping in seconds.  I can show them snow and photos of home, and humanize Americans in what can be a xenophobic environment.  I can snapchat this to my sisters on a Friday night.  Obviously, I need this, right?

It's a wonderful tool.  But I don't want endocrine damage or cancer or death.  So...  To the German store I go to buy Thai rice.  It's ironic that I am living these repercussions here, as I knew vaguely of Apple's "dirty little secret" from social justice classes and articles I'd seen stateside.  I'd essentially written it off as an unfortunate but unchangeable situation, one which someone at some point would push to change.  Sometimes we find it easy to ignore things when they benefit us and the atrocities that are done to get them to us happen so far away.  Upton Sinclair once said, "It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it."  Ah, how appropriate for our time.  Except that now, even enlightened social consciences find it difficult to understand things when their comfort and convenience rest upon not understanding those things...  

Now, as I cook my veggies for a half hour before doing any meal preparation, as I buy all my water from the store, and as I spend double on rice to avoid a poison deadlier than arsenic, I cannot ignore it.  It's maddening after a month.  What about those who have lived their whole lives here doing the same, or not having the economic privilege to buy safer products?  

Misses

1.)  Hummus and GOOD red wine under $25 USD.  I've actually dreamt of consuming both of these things at home, listening to bossa nova, with winds from a cool autumn rain and smoky bonfires filling my home with their aroma.  

2.)  My cat.  Sorry, family. :) Every night, I move my feet around at the end of the bed, as I have for four years since we found Jim Jim.  He does not permit others to decide for him that it's time for bed, even though he gives a sour look to anyone who breaks the schedule.  He will run out and hide on a dining chair for fifteen minutes, until everyone is asleep, and prowl in, unannounced, like a creepy ex, and snuggle down onto your toes.  If it were up to me, I'd start another foster for kittens in our new apartment.  At least my partner has some restraint...  Here is what Jim Jim is doing, stateside in his cozy Michigan home with his grandma and his jolly friend, Mojo.  

Yes, they have their own bed, as no guest bed is needed when I live in China and my sis lives in Madrid.  They probably will not tolerate any changes to this arrangement upon our return.  

3.)  Imodium; airborne; mucinex; charcoal; contact solution; the book Where There Is No Doctor; black cohosh; and other medical necessities... 

4.)  Vegan junk- soy dogs, tofurkey, tempeh (not a thing here, despite its inception in SE Asia), Braggs, Earth Balance Butter, daiya cheese, overpriced whole grain sriracha chips, veganaise, tahini, sundried tomatoes, cashew milk, pesto, spaghetti sauce, home brewed root beer, cider, gluten-free bread, baba ghanoush, traditional medicinals throat coat tea, vegan gummies, passionflower supplements, Amy's meals, Kind bars, Equal Exchange Mint Chocolate, Dr. Bronners' soap, Acure shampoo, food processors, ovens, toasters...  Someone win a million dollars and fly in to visit me with these things.  :-)  

5.)  Family and friends.  Okay, so I kind of miss you all a lot.  But I want a happy and snarky blog so I won't write here that I sometimes listen to acoustic emo versions of our favorite songs and look longingly at photos from home...  Fly out to see me!  Have I mentioned my spare room?

©  Amanda Whitmore.  Shareable with author's written permission.

First thoughts

Preface: Has anyone out there reading this thought of starting a blog? There are so many things to consider. Coming from a position involving a lot of personnel recruitment, beginning this writing journey has brought with it a lot of apprehension. This will show on Google. They will want to see this. This could constitute an excellent example of the writing skills that I honed in five years of college and five years of professional work. BUT... and this is a big BUT... allowing for some informality and transparency will result in many more blog entries. Perhaps most importantly, setting aside pretensions, and throwing out my proofread-five-times-before-sending (and one time after posting) policy, will result in the world seeing my refreshingly real, unabashedly quirky self. My favorite writers and friends all have that quality. So often, we put on so many airs, covering our true selves with shields of professionalism, political correctness, and good English manners. I like all of those things, especially when it comes to exercising sensitivity to groups with less privilege. However... This blog, as much as possible, will not be perfect at all of those things. I say this as much to you (probably friends and mostly my close family, haha) as much as I do to myself. Because being true, authentic, and unashamed is a good thing for this world. :)

That being said, you probably would like to know what all of this has to do with China and diaries.

A little about my path... (Skip to the bottom paragraph if you are lazy or unable to navigate my twists and turns, haha).

As the end of 2013 grew near, I was in a very good place for someone with my education, experience, etc. Like any good American, I equivocated "good place" with only career goals. I want to be a leader in what one person called "prefigurative politics". That is, living and working to improve the welfare of all living beings and the environment. That is, things just like what I was doing in a large, international nonprofit with one of the coolest social enterprises I've ever seen. Where I was being exposed to and trained by leaders in said change. Where I had some of the coolest friends a person could ask for.

Yet, in that time, examining my goals for the new year of 2014, I knew I was missing something. To understand what that was, I have to think back to May, 2007. I had moved from my farm town university to work in a Honduran orphanage and center for street children. I experienced the cycle of infatuation, culture shock, familial love, and reverse culture shock as I met and left the Honduran children who forever changed my heart. I saw housing, sanitation, medical, and education conditions that were not right. It was one thing to have completed interdisciplinary studies of the US-CIA and trade policies in the area. It was another thing altogether to witness the ramifications. And the complications. You can construct a lot of theories and policy approaches from Cornell and George Washington and "twice alma mater" experiences at Harvard, as many who had explained away what they knew of the region had, prior to my travels. While they were right, in part, I learned in Honduras that there were four things people said that could actually help: real engineers and builders bringing in toilets and strong buildings; doctors, dentists, and nurses; degree-holding educators; and access to SAFE, sustainable agriculture. Legal and political movement for long-term change, while important, was frankly, not my place. And when I fell in love with the people, when they were humanized before my eyes rather than catalogued in journals on my desk, I knew I needed to act. I knew it would be extremely easy not to upon my return home. The quote, "Live simply so others can simply live" hung on my wall, reminding me that whatever I could do to help was not only needed, but rang true as a moral obligation at the core of my being. This kept me from being a typical, materialistic 21 year-old. For the exponentially long time of about 3 weeks. After that, I moved in with roommates from the wealthiest part of my state. I was very religious, as were they, at the time. I learned to practice all of the religion, except the oft-repeated commands to avoid greed. Then I became a bit of a hipster. Yep. I'll admit it. I learned to lighten up a bit and live more in tune with my feelings about justice, and shaped my career around that. I became a vegetarian, then a vegan. I started liking guys with beards and thinking girls with underarm hair were cool and more liberated than I. Goodwill was my favorite Saturday shopping destination. I canned. I did yoga. Wait, am I still that? Haha. All diversions aside, even with my somewhat dramatic shifts in lifestyle, one form of consumerism tended to replace another. It still always mattered if my place looked cool and I felt "put together". To this day, it does. I don't much know if it will change. Part of it is creative expression and part is, if we're all really honest, showing off. Which brings me back to this China adventure. I always had known, ever since leaving Honduras some 7 years ago, something in me needed further development. Honduras left an indelible sense that the current life that's being sold as cool is not actually sustainable. Many people, in what has been termed the developing world, seem to know a better way. You see, as much as I educated the children where I worked, they taught me much, much more.

My teachers:

While I've written here mostly how it has impacted my social perspective, which is a huge part of me, I can't even name how many other lessons I learned there. Many cultures are more loving than ours. Friends, new and old, greet with hugs, and *gasp* even cheek kisses. The hilarious problem for me is that different sides are used in different countries, leaving many surprised people getting a bit more than they bargained for from me, including an elderly Guatemalan farmer in the highlands, where I learned NO KISSES ARE GIVEN. I also have learned to treat life more lightly, to laugh, dance, and play more freely. For all of the difficult and initially shocking things that every country contains, I've always walked away from each one feeling more purposeful, more whole, more motivated to act, and more appreciative of my life.

My last day there, as my family at the IHNFA cried, "No se vaya!" I promised myself something.  I promised that as a condition of going on being okay as a person, I'd seek out more education, live more with people in similar circumstances, and maybe even do Peace Corps for two years.

Five years later, young in my career, with options in front of me that most work toward only after obtaining an M.A. degree, I took a risk. My partner had just graduated and would soon need to get his PhD, which would mean a probable relocation, but with my connections, I was relatively sure I'd find good opportunities in his grad school city... One thought came to me just as these changes were approaching. The Graduate Reentrance Exam (GRE) results, which determined Jeremy's school options, were good for two years.

I loved what I was doing. I had a good life. But I needed growth. I took a calculated risk. Fifty-some midnight Skype interviews later, we made the plunge. Those who know me well know that despite how strong my convictions are on... well, pretty much any matter ever to be considered... I'm a very anxious person. I worried about insurance and retirement at 24. I never want to get life wrong. After thorough planning, the time finally came to tell people. To order tickets. To board a 17-hour flight. I was terrified. I had a mini-freak-out before handing in my resignation. I full-fledged ugly cried packing my bags. I tried to console myself with words from Paul Coehlo, Elizabeth Gilbert, Thich Nhat Hanh, and the band JEM. It half worked. I arrived to China with many expectations. Finding that my apartment was infested with vermin and our pay wasn't as we'd thought was not among them. Forgetting that culture shock was inevitable and that I'd initially resented the things which were SO different in other countries, but later, laboriously but inevitably came to love, was not an expectation either. I never was infatuated. Nothing fit my expectations. Now... Past most of the shock and moving into the more mature love for a country that can only come with time knowing its warts and its beauty, I am happy to be here. I definitely see the lessons I'll learn in sustainable living, though I've learned to choose conversation partners carefully for these matters, to avoid prison. I'll save the sign-holding for when I'm back to the U.S. :) I've learned to enjoy the stares in the subway; to stop silently cursing at people cutting in lines; to say hello back to people who call out, even when my inner feminist thinks it to be a catcall hello; to dance freely with people whose language I may not know; to eat street food (sometimes to my detriment); to join in on making peace signs and saying "hao bao!" in photos; to look into the eyes of old women talking loudly, thinking it will make me understand Cantonese, and smile at their kindness; and overall, to love this beautiful and radically different place.

Here's all you really wanted to know about the blog:

Together, for one year, my partner and I are embarking on an adventure as English teachers in China. One which will impact the way we think and operate for the rest of our lives.

<3 <3 <3

Peace and love from the country of 1.35 billion cool souls...
-a.w.

More Snapshots:

Location:Guangzhou,China

©  Amanda Whitmore.  Shareable with author's written permission.