An Alternative View of Fear

An Alternative View of Fear

Show me a man who’s courageous,

And I will show you his cowardice.

Show me a man who is self-assured,

And I will show you his insecurity.

It’s not courage or self-assurance that makes you confident,

It is about your honesty.

The more honest you are with yourself and the world, the more confident you are.

This is something that life will bring you to learn again and again until it sticks in your head.

I fear

All that I built to get here,

All the work I did, 

Was in vain.

That this crisis of health and chronic pain

is bigger,

seems bigger,

than my ability to overcome,

Wisdom whispers: 

“You overcame China and a hell of a lot more,

You know that this is just fear.  

Irrational fear, but fear nonetheless.  

It is okay.  Fear happens.  Let it happen.  

Let it watch from the corner of the room.

Acknowledge that it can stay there since it’s not quite ready to leave.  But you cannot engage it right now; you are busy.”

Fear squeals from the corner:

“But, but I don’t know how I will pass.  

I am so scared.

I think I will disappear into the masses of people who weren’t good enough 

to pass.  I am so scared.”

I see that I am scared.  I have compassion for myself.  

Actually, in my fear, I am totally human.

Many have this fear too.

Like a savant colleague of mine

Who allows the fear to occupy her eyes; 

It clouds all the beauty she might see in herself,

If only she accepted,  

and then gently set, 

the fear in its own little sitting area to watch as she moved on.

I know I am not the only one.

The problem is getting paralyzed, distressing over how the fear might overtake you. 

But I accept my fear.

I write, I say, I chant:

“What the hell, try to do this and see how it goes anyways.  Fear may appear.  I will not tell it to go.  But neither will it control my comings and my goings.”

As I suffer illness, pain chimes in,

“But you feel tired and weak

You are aching.  You can’t.”

I accept my pain.  

The problem is getting paralyzed, distressing over how the pain might overtake you.

But I accept my pain.  

I write, I say, I chant:

“What the hell, try to do this and see how it goes anyways.  Pain may appear.  I will not tell it to go.  But neither will it control my comings and my goings.  Unlike with fear, pain may mean I must take more resting breaks than I would in its absence, but I will not live a life based on avoidance of pain or only seeking the treatments.  I only have one life and I want it to mean something.  I have come this far…”

And so, these whispers set themselves down in the corner cautiously watching;

And I move on.  

Chiang Mai- February 3rd, 2016  

Thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert for teaching me to write honestly and think in this way, and a random British vlogger who inspired some of the wisdom in this post.  Hope it is useful to you all, too.  :D 

P.S. I have given extensive thought to renaming this blog or changing domains, now that I am in Italy.  However, if it were not for Guangzhou and China as a whole, I would not be who I am today.  I would not have the courage, the compassion, nor the zeal that drive me to write these posts.  China ripped open my soul and made it grow strong.  And the women who inspired the post entitled "Sisterhood" (see link on sidebar) are still my rock and my family, whom I must honor in all posts for being the truest, dearest family I have ever known.  So the blog title remains...  for now.  :)  

©  Amanda Whitmore.  Shareable with author's written permission.